Archive for category Open Letter

Open Letter: ALL CAPS EDITION

Dear Everyone (but this week it is dedicated to real estate “professionals”),

I really think that it would be best if you did not send out business emails in ALL CAPS.

I think that this is true in general.

When you are responding to an emailed inquiry from me, you even have a nice little clue that I feel this way. Look at the message I sent to you. If you bothered to pay attention you could notice that it is not in ALL CAPS. (it is also not in all lowercase with no punctuation at all whatsoever and i occasionally use spelchck and did not refer to anyone as “loozers” in my email)

When you reply to me in ALL CAPS, it does not get me more excited about your property, nor does it raise my confidence in your abilities. It actually makes me want to come find you in person to break your keyboard over your head then hit you repeatedly with the broken pieces, and that is saying a lot, because I’d really rather do everything via the internet.

Sincerely,

Me

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Open Letter: Stock & Option Solutions Edition

Dear Stock & Option Solutions,

I am in receipt of your letter, including information such as:

We are writing to inform you that on Saturday, March 1, 2008, a business laptop computer was stolen from the possession of one of our employees while traveling. Specifically, the laptop contained personally identifiable information, including your name, Social Security number, address and data related to the administration of your stock purchase program.

I’d like to take the time to ask you, “What the fuck?” and I mean that most sincerely.

Why is this sort of information wandering around with an employee on travel AT ALL? In the unlikely case that you have a good reason for this data being on a laptop (which is mobile in nature and therefor less secure) in the first place, and the even less likely case that you have a good reason for the employee to be traveling with such a laptop, then still, “What the fuck?”

Really.

WHAT
THE
FUCK
?

See, according to your own admission in the letter, this data was NOT ENCRYPTED.

I am not impressed. I am not impressed by the fact this happened. I am not impressed that it took you so long to notify me. I am not impressed with anything about this. As a point of fact, I am actively pissed off.

Your apology for “any inconvenience or concern that this incident may cause” me is officially not accepted.

Are we clear?

Disgustedly,
-Me

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Open Letter: Stop Helping Me Edition

Dear Everyone and their Little Pony and especially Belkin and Linksys,

I am so sick of all the “help” being offered to me in the form of crappy little specialty programs. All I want is a device driver. A driver that will tell my computer how to talk to your little piece of hardware. I do not need an interface with pretty colors and rounded corners and attractive buttons, that hides away all the “complicated” stuff and makes it so that it takes me 30 times longer than it should to make your specialty extra wonderful whiz bang wireless card work with MY network setup.

The OS already has an interface to deal with wireless networking. Don’t disable it and make me use your bloated piece of shit instead, I do not care how many shades of blue you can use to decorate the UI.

Fuck off.

-Me

Dear Microsoft Office Product Team,

While you are busy imagining what new features I will never ever want out of Office suite, you might want to consider actually making it, I don’t know, IMPORT my settings from previous Office products when I “upgrade”. Word is essentially unusable out of the box for me. It is impressive that you have managed to turn one of your few functional products into a piece of shit with all those helpful features.

If you really want to help, make sure the next version you release auto-composes and sends a hate letter from me to you or one of the other Microsoft groups at least once a month.

Congratulations on making Office 2007 the upgrade to avoid of the decade. Enjoy your trophy.

Thanks,

-Me

Dear Apple,

The fact that a few people have chosen to place content that I really want to see in QuickTime format means that I do have QT installed on my computer and I do need updates on occasion. It in no way at all means that I ever ever EVER want you to install iTunes on my computer, so stop trying. It also does not mean that I want you to autosneak in the association of every fricken type of multimedia file with your program. The only thing I ever want to use QT for are the things I cannot access any other way. Fixing your helpful changes to my associations took up far more time than you are worth.

Sincerely wishing you a crap day,

-Me

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