Squawk

If I was granted 10 wishes, I’d wish to be a nicer person.

Fuck you. No I wouldn’t. I was totally lying. You didn’t believe that horseshit, did you?

I would wish to be less obsessed with getting it perfect, and a lot more satisfied with getting it done.

I’d also wish for world peace, via having a large number of people (think REALLY LARGE) shift to an alternate reality that they were not sharing with me. I don’t care about an end to war, I just need more peace for me, personally.

I don’t have the top 10 all mapped out, but somewhere in there, I’d want to be able to consistently peel a boiled egg perfectly.

I’ve read hundreds of web tips, watched videos, explored techniques and looked at gadgets. I still peel a mutated fucked up dented, chipped, and gouged egg as often as I peel a perfectly smooth egg shaped egg.

I fucking hate slop in the kitchen.

I have a boiled egg almost every day, unless I am eating breakfast out, have run out of eggs, or… I don’t know, am too busy puking my guts out or something (see the 2nd week of July), so it isn’t as if I don’t have a lot of practice peeling eggs.

I like deviled eggs. I LOVE good deviled eggs. I make a damn good deviled egg, but I never do it because the process of trying to peel that many eggs drives me fucking mad. I haven’t made a batch since before my kid was born, and she is old enough to get her driver’s license now.

The last time I made them it was because I asked people I love what I should bring to their house for a party, and they replied “Your deviled eggs!” I made eggs for the party. There was a lot of screaming and swearing and a little crying (and a lot of rejected eggs) and people at the party loved them. I never asked those friends what I should bring to their house again. I just told them what I could bring.

Yes, I know, some people would make deviled eggs with slightly fucked up, or even very fucked up eggs, but I am not that person.

Wait, scratch the egg peeling skills wish. If I am wishing, let’s just wish big. I want ultimate egg skillz, yo. No fishing egg shells out of mixing bowls. No breaking the yolk on over easy eggs. No fucking up an omelet while trying to flip or fold it. No curdling while making a custard. No accidentally having one roll off the counter and break on the floor while I am busy grabbing some other ingredient. You get the idea.

Clucking chickens and their little packages of kitchen stress.

Yes, I know. If you are paying attention and are the kind of asshole who likes to point shit out, you might be itching to type something about how if I was less obsessed with getting it perfect and more obsessed with getting it done, I’d just bring ugly tasty deviled eggs to parties, and I’d be a lot more likable. Fuck you. I don’t want to be likable. I just want to quickly peel eggs without having chunks of white stick to the shell, and I want to do with without resorting to raising my own chickens in an effort to feed them perfectly and have the eggs be as fresh as possible.

If there were less people I wouldn’t need as many eggs to serve deviled eggs at a party.

My morning breakfast peeled perfectly this morning. It won’t tomorrow. I don’t even know which is worse.

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  1. #1 by Stacy on July 26, 2011 - 2:09 PM

    We get our eggs from a lady down the street who has a backyard full of fowl. I presume the eggs are no more than a day old when I buy them off her driveway. Since we’ve heard using week old eggs results in easier peeling, E’s taken to picking a dozen now and again, and setting it aside on a shelf to wait for optimal boiling age. I am uncertain about the results of this experiment. I am not sure it actually helps with the peeling thing. I also find this unpredictability maddening.

    What I do know is, the cage-free, free range, back yard chickens have a much wider range of shell hardness than store-bought eggs, forcing my scores on avoiding shell-in-eggs and broken yolks way down.

    • #2 by mstori on August 5, 2011 - 5:51 PM

      My first summer in MN, I was going nuts because I was having so much trouble with eggs cracking when I didn’t want them to, or getting peels off reasonably. I did some Google exploration and found that egg shells are not as thick during hot times, and hypothesized that in So Cal, it gets so hot that the birds are kept climate controlled, so I wasn’t noticing the difference during the summer season. I mentioned it to somebody else we know who has a lot wrapped up in egg shells being strong, and she though she had a lot more trouble with summer eggs too.

      The egg industry is one of the ones I am not very impressed by, but local farm eggs are so much more expensive, I just haven’t been able to justify it, even though I like the texture of fresh eggs so much better. Still it is $7 for a dozen with our CSA, and I’m just not up for paying that much more right now.

  2. #3 by eain on July 26, 2011 - 4:42 PM

    Using week-old eggs helps with the peeling. There’s a couple of other cooking techniques that help, but even so, all of them only HELP the problem, not ELIMINATE it, and damn but some of them are a hassle (even though they do work!). All in all, with store-bought eggs I can get it to mangling only one egg in a couple dozen, and with the egg lady’s egg, about 1 in 6 (due to different sized eggs and ages and blah blah blah).

    All that said, if your deviled eggs are that good and you’d like help peeling eggs, I’d be happy to bring some over to cook and peel sometime. 😉

    • #4 by mstori on August 5, 2011 - 5:52 PM

      At some point when I manage to get enough of a grip on my life, my house, and my brain to allow for proper socializing and entertaining, I am highly likely to take you up on that.

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